Cybernetic Carnival
by I.C. Weener
Summary: This one's really gonna make you do a double take.


" _Sinus Supremus."_

" _Zero Charisma."_

\- E.T.

* * *

Professor Tomoe was drawn toward the muffled energetic beat echoing through the hidden, inconspicuous, top secret headquarters door clearly marked "WITCHES 5" in stylized black letters. Turning the knob and pushing the door open, he cautiously made his way through. What he found inside was something so evil and depraved, it could only be a scheme of the Death Busters.

What was supposed to be séance room looked more like a workout center. The five Witches (six, including Cyprine's twin) were dressed for the occasion, a stretching and curving ocean of neon lycra, loose ankle socks, and bright orange hairbands.

Each Witch was standing in front of a large screen showing archival footage of a different Sailor Senshi. The Witches moved through an intense routine that was part interpretative dance and part fight choreography, each one mimicking how the giant flickering Senshi in front of her moved. Exercise music pumped through speakers arranged around the corners of the room: A thumping bass rhythm with a cheery female vocalist singing about rocking bodies, shaking bodies, and just bodies in general. The Witches 5 were toning their forms to match their opponents perfectly and bracing their minds for the inevitable.

Kaolinite was standing one step higher than the others in the back of the room. She was acting as a gymnast instructor of sorts for the Witches 5. Combat footage of Sailor Moon played on the giant screen behind her, red ribbons and blonde noodle strands swirling in a 4x digital zoom. Her eyes were drawn toward the entrance door the instant she noticed the glare of the vibrant magenta ceiling lights reflecting off Tomoe's glasses.

"How nice of you to join us, Professor," Kaolinite said over the music.

"What's going on here?" Tomoe asked, eying the Witches as they twisted and gyrated on the lower portion of the stage. "Are they possessed or something?"

"Quite the opposite," the Death Buster commander said. "The girls and I are just practicing our synchronized aerobics. We need to be ready for the final ceremony."

Something eerie and sinister crept across her lips.

"Do you need anything else from me?" Professor Tomoe asked. Kaolinite shook her head.

"I think we have everything covered here," with a hint of wickedness in her voice. "We prefer to practice in private. Just make sure the equipment is ready for the big show."

Tomoe closed the door and shuffled back down the dark hallway.

* * *

Kaolinite and the Witches 5 glared at their rivals with scheming and mischievous faces. The feeling from the Sailor team—the five Inner Senshi, in addition to Uranus and Neptune—was nothing but anger.

Mistress 9 was standing at the altar above the two armies with her more-or-less foster father at her side. Pharaoh 90 loomed in the sky in his awakening form. On the ground below, towering over both the Sailor Senshi and the Witches 5, was a demented configuration of metal armor and power cables. The contraption was aptly named Anubis 1985.

"Just give up already!" Makoto shouted from other side of the altar. "You're not going to get away with this!"

"I always admired how strong and beautiful you were, Sailor Jupiter," Tellu glimpsed at her opponent suggestively. "I'd love to try _you_ on for size."

"Hey! Don't spoil the surprise for these bimbos!" Cyprine snapped at Tellu.

"What surprise?" Sailor Moon asked with an innocent and baffled look.

"Don't worry about them, Usagi," Sailor Uranus said beside her. "They're just a couple of airheads in black tutus."

The Witches 5 clenched their fists in rage as their teasing expressions turned sour.

"We've had enough of you fuku-flirting dolts!" Mimete sneered. "It's time to meet your end!"

The two forces ran toward each other and collided in the shade of Pharaoh 90's growing swirling mass.

Sailor Moon and Kaolinite brushed past one another at superhuman speed, attacking with black energy bursts and laser boomerangs. Sailor Mercury and Viluy traded flying ice shards, while Sailor Jupiter and Tellu slammed into each other like storm clouds. Sailor Venus and Mimete mirrored each others' high kicks, crashing the sides of their knees together like well-tempered rapiers.

Mistress 9 raised her arms in the air as the two factions struggled, laughing the song of Armageddon.

* * *

Rounding up the Sailor Senshi into a pack of seven individually wrapped sardines was a bigger chore than the Witches 5 expected, but victory fell on their side after the harsh fight. All the squirming and fidgeting and destructive magical attacks they had to put up with was about to pay off.

The massive Death Buster contraption was raised up like a sphinx sitting on its hind legs. The convoluted and terrifying structure had seven metal cauldrons welded into its cables. Each one was just big enough to house a fully grown embryo.

Kaolinite and the Witches 5 were gathered on the back of the machine. Each one was standing up in a small hollow chamber with an open hatch behind her. These chambers were lined with dim lights surrounding what looked like a leather seat or an extremely posh medical gurney. They were built directly above the containment cauldrons welded to the structure's front side, essentially acting as cockpits.

Mistress 9 stood on the ground in front of the metal structure, proclaiming to the black figures above her.

"The season is right for conquest. Pharaoh 90 deems it so. Let us reap the seeds of this galaxy and nurse them as our own foliage!"

She waved her arm the way a conductor signals for an orchestra to start. Her eyes flashed with demented glee.

"Ladies, to your Chalices!"

Viluy, Eudial, Tellu, Mimete, Cyprine, and Ptilol anxiously dove into the glowing darkness without a second to spare and slammed the hatches behind them. Kaolinite took an extra moment to peer down at Mistress 9 and shoot her a cocky glance.

"It's been fun, Mistress. I guess this means we'll both be royalty once this is over."

The leader of the Witches 5 carefully descended into machine and sealed herself inside.

Mistress 9 spun her index finger in the air, conjuring all of Pharaoh 90's energy until he erupted in a thunderstorm of black lightning. The bolts struck the metal structure, making it glow like a giant statue carved out of solid obsidian. The machine whirred and crackled with evil energy for close to a minute. The electrical storm subsided as Mistress 9 lowered her hand back to her hip, and the machine powered down.

The cauldrons on the front of the structure began to open.

The Sailor Senshi climbed out of their prisons and stepped out of the shadows. Their voices were low and suspicious. Their mannerisms conveyed coyness, slyness, and deceit, all things wrong for a Sailor Senshi. Sailor Moon glanced at her palm and slowly wiggled her figures. Sailor Mars brushed her hair over her shoulder and stretched her legs. Sailor Jupiter pointed at the ground and shot a tiny bolt of static electricity from her finger out of curiousness. Sailor Venus patted the ribbon on the back of her head and swished her skirt, while Sailor Mercury routinely tested her portable computer and analytical visor. Neptune orbited Uranus more closely than ever. They were vessels for two halves of the same soul, desperately craving to always become one.

The seven hatches on the Death Buster machine's back lifted up. The Witches 5 staggered out behind the Sailor Senshi, disoriented and weakened. Each Witch glanced at her smirking Sailor counterpart with a shocked look on her face. Cyprine/Michiru and Ptilol/Haruka turned toward each other in horror, realizing the terrible deed they had fallen prey to.

The Senshi stared back at their rivals like a pack of immoral Sailor-suited imps.

"Wha-… what did you do to us?!" Kaolinite/Usagi sputtered in confusion.

"Looks like your luck ran out, rabbit," Sailor Jupiter said back. "We just exchanged our bodies for all of your magic powers. It's something we do every few eons to freshen up."

"We only needed this gizmo to purge your souls so we could control your brains. It's not like you were using them that much to begin with," Sailor Mars added.

"This isn't funny! Change us back to normal!" Mimete/Minako frantically demanded.

"Sorry, no refunds." Sailor Venus snickered. "I can't wait to try out all your cosmetic options."

"You can have those wrinkled old prunes we snatched from the Sailor Senshi from the last galaxy we conquered. You won't be needing them for long," said Sailor Neptune, narrowing her eyes.

The giant the machine behind the Witches 5 lurched with a low demonic groan. Part of fuselage extended upward on an automatic hinge, lifting a row of long hollow cylinders into the air and holding it directly over Kaolinite and the Witches' heads.

The Witches glanced up from the looming shadow in bewilderment. The machine stared back down at them with diabolical intent, its cylinders humming faintly.

"Is that a neutron-accelerated plasmamagnaamplifier?" Viluy/Ami gasped.

"Garbage incinerator, actually," Sailor Mercury was happy to answer. "It's good to sterilize the work station after every experiment,"

The rest of the Sailor Senshi playfully waved goodbye to their Death Buster counterparts.

The device fired a massive ray of blinding pink energy at the ground, instantly engulfing Usagi and her anatomically-displaced teammates. Their voices screamed in a choir of agony under the intense glow. Their silhouettes disappeared in a few seconds, burning to the ground like witches on wooden stakes.

Sailor Moon stepped up to the cooling piles of ash. Stamping out a small flame under her boot, she uttered a quiet "Hmph" and shrugged.

"Well I'm happy with my trade," she said as she glanced over her shoulder to the other Senshi. "How's the new gear feel for you girls?"

Sailor Mars peered down at her costume and ran a quick inspection of herself.

"Fire powers, charged. Bows, knotted. Earrings, fastened. Boobs, supported. Lipstick, flush. High heels, pumped. I'd say I'm ready to roll."

"How about the rest of you?" Sailor Moon asked the others. The team responded by chuckling lightly and slowly nodding their heads.

Mistress 9 glanced over the Sailor Senshi and gave her own dark smile of approval.

"I'm glad you were able to gain your new husks without too much trouble, my servants. Now you can relax. Your ritual today has secured this planet for Pharaoh 90. Return to the human world and learn everything you can about it… before we destroy it. You've all earned a vacation."

The Sailor Senshi rested their palms over their brooches. Their white leotards and color-coded skirts gave way into cosmic energy and converted back into their ordinary street clothes, hiding their deadly magical forms behind stolen Earth identities.

Usagi and her friends bowed their heads toward the Mistress and the Professor. They left the altar together, scheming to themselves over how they would spy on their home planet and subliminally assert their coven's dominance. They planned on getting a lot more use out of their property than the previous owners ever did.

* * *

 _Author's note: Cyprine has her 90s design in this story because abicion dot tumblr dot com slash post/147726811557 is gross. Eh, just assume everyone has their 90s design in this story._


End file.
